I used to hate you. I used to want you dead. You caused me so much pain, so much anger, so much hate. You made me become such an ugly person. You manipulated me. You made me think I was crazy. All of this when in reality it was you. YOU were the monster. You took me down with you, or at least you tried to, but I survived. It took seven months of dark months, but I made it through.
Today, I want to thank you, not forgive you, but thank you for testing me. Today I am stronger, I am wiser, and most importantly, I’m better than I’ve ever been in 27 years.
I remember six months ago I couldn’t bare to close my eyes at night… better yet, be alone. I would hear the screams getting louder, and louder, when the room was too quiet. I could visualize the disaster being made, arms everywhere, the evil look in his eyes. I could feel my chest tighten, my shortness of breathe, my heart racing how scared I was for my life.
Today, there’s something about quiet nights that soothe my soul. Quiet apartment, candles lit, and all I hear is my heartbeat.
What was once my most feared moment of the day is now one of my favorites; a calm end to the day.
June 27, 2017 9:52PM
i am solely sharing these thoughts with you as a reminder that not all understand what another may be going through. not all of us know what it’s like to feel as small as an ant. not all are understanding of their true, inner strength.
this post is for the individuals who thinks it’s okay to let another human tear them down to the darkest moments of their lives. this goes to you, the human who thinks they are alone, i am with you. i am a victim of depression, a victim of negative thoughts, a victim of complete brokenness. i too am a victim of feeling like life wasn’t worth it, but today, i am one who is more understanding of life as a whole although everyday is different. some days I want to hide, some days i could laugh until my tummy hurts, and then i have days i want to cry and be held, but other days I’m so thankful for how far I’ve reached.
life has yet to workout as I’ve ever pictured, but there’s something about year twenty-seven that this is finally my year to turn everything around. this is it.
finding it harder and harder to express myself when i speak, yet finding it easier as i write it out for you all. as i sit and let my thoughts wander, they suddenly start to make sense. writing all of sudden calms my soul, it puts me at ease, bringing my mind and body at pure tranquillity. i can’t express it enough how deeply i feel, how some days are heavier than others. i look forward to better days ahead —today i am not okay, today i am not normal, but tomorrow is a new day, a day i look forward to. may you find peace in the darkest of your days..
“bad things happen to good people. but no one ever got anywhere without going through deep shit” —life smacked me so hard in the face, legitimately. as the days pass i learn a little more about myself and the power i have to regain my strength. difficult times are life’s test. they’re what shape you into the human you were meant to be. some days will be easy, some days will be hard. some days you’ll feel happy, other days you’ll want to curl up in a ball with how broken you deeply feel. the important thing is that you take one step at a time. let yourself feel but also let yourself heal. be open to a helping hand, and help others in need. life sure is a bitch but how you handle it is how you will get through it.