How do you get out of it?

It wasn’t the first time, but this time it was either going to end really badly or someone was going to save me. In the back of my mind I asked over and over for help but I couldn’t spit the words out. I couldn’t find the strength to say I was scared, and maybe that was because part of me hoped it was just a nightmare, but it wasn’t. This time around, it was louder, more hurtful. I thought that’s where my life would end. None of my immediate family were physically in town and I felt absolutely helpless. Something at this moment made me call my sister. I can only imagine that my cry for help wasn’t a familiar one and what made my sister put a stop to it, I can’t even tell you. All I know is, my thoughts became her actions and what seemed like something never ending finally came to a stop.

At this point I was confused. Did this really just happen again? How did I let it get this far this time? Does mom know what’s going on? Why isn’t my family at arms reach? – when I say I was in a daze, it’s something I can’t even explain. Looking at myself in the mirror, and I all I could think about was “how am I going to explain this to everyone?” – this question should have been the least of my worries at this very moment. I wanted to cover up something that could have potentially escalated even further, losing all focus on the most important part of all of this: MYSELF. I couldn’t help but make excuses for someone who never deeply cared for my worth.

With no strength left to come to real terms with what had just happened and pure weakness to speak to a soul, I stayed dazed in a black hole with a sense of not wanting to exist anymore…

Today, nine months later, and what I felt above isn’t felt anymore. How and what I feel today is the complete opposite. Self-love has become the biggest importance in my life and I couldn’t be more content with the heights of happiness I’ve reached thus far. I am so grateful for all the support my family and close friends have shown me, giving me the time to deeply feel and heal from what I will say was the worst moment in my life.

A few words to my Sister: I owe my life to you, for listening deeply to my cry and saving my life. You truly are my hero.

Empower yourself, be one with the universe ✨

#lifewithsash

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Late night thoughts..

09.06.17 // 1:18am

I never understood when others caused harm to another. It wasn’t until I was hurt that I realized the smallest of things like my attitude that affected another. Because of my own pain at some points in life, I became ugly inside and my ugliness reflected off people who actually mattered to me. In the midst of realizing this, I too became a reflection of another humans hurt. But their reflection of pain was more so drowning, a feeling of death. And that is something I don’t wish upon any soul, not even my worst enemy. 
The crazy thing about life is that most of us aren’t present with ourselves and the way we act towards others is a complete mirror of how we feel about ourselves. The saddest part of all of this is, 9 people out of 10 cannot be present. 

It’s a sad world, but I’m not about to be part of the ones who instill pain in others because of something I may have gone through. Instead, I’ll continue to shed my light and my love on those who appreciate it and most importantly, take it all in. 
For those in pain, whatever reason it may be, know that there will be no way of your dark tunnel until YOU yourself decide it’s time to make a change. No not a change for others, but a change for the better of yourself. Once you start to shed light and a little less hate, you’ll start to see all the greatness this life has to offer. 

Never lose sight of the person you truly are, and don’t for one second let others opinions get so far into your head that your own voice becomes silent. 

• Empower yourself, be one with the universe. ✨

Sash

09.04.17

I haven’t written much lately. From traveling back to Switzerland, to making a firm decision on moving out of Miami, and now to packing – it’s been busy these days. I have so much I want to continue to share with you all, but writing takes a lot of my energy and can sometime drain me. So, I’m leaving it until I’m settled into Virginia and have a bit more me time. 
I do want you all to know that within all these changes, I’ve also found so much peace in my mind, heart and soul. I’ve never felt so content with where my life is and who I’ve become because of the past. 
I hope you all are sitting tight and patient because I’m so anxious to continue my writing publicly. I’m excited to share with you all what may help another, you too are not alone. 

• Empower yourself, be one with the universe ✨ 

Sash 

the worst is over. 

It’s been long awaited that I fully write this out, that I share this side of me in hopes to help another in these dark times. Have you ever felt so deeply hurt, so deeply torn, that you thought your existence wasn’t worth it. Have you ever allowed someone to control your every move, your every thought. Have you ever felt like the dark hole you were in was only getting darker and you were only getting deeper into what we call now a days, depression. Well…. I have. I’m not sure how I ended up at this point, but what I do know is, I surpassed it. I survived what was the hardest moment to handle. I became stronger, I became wiser, and most importantly I overcame it. I’m still working on myself; my decisions, my emotions, my thoughts. But I am here today. I’m alive, I’m breathing. 

I share this with you not to put a bad name on anyone, but to open your eyes. YOU are so very important in this world. You cannot by any means let anyone take the wheel of your life. You must always put yourself first. No, it’s not about selfishness, but instead about taking charge of your life because you my friend are the only one responsible for the outcome of your life. You may blame another for something they did to you, but how you react to it is what will lead you to the life you create. 

January 1, 2017 my life changed in a way I never imagined, I thought my life was over. I thought I was going to die. Not sure if at this point you understand where exactly I’m coming from, but let’s just say I was able to walk out of a fight – I walked out with a sore body, a broken house, and art left on my face for the world to see. I stood strong and didn’t hide, I let the world see what was left of me. At this point in time, I felt like my soul had died. I felt like there was nothing left of me. I could vividly see the images of the all the fights, I could hear him screaming at me, I could hear myself asking for it to come to a stop, but he just kept reacting. He kept going on and on. No matter how calmly I asked, he just wouldn’t stop. For months I thought this was it. I thought I’d never be able to fight through it. 

The girl who was once right here in this photo, she’s not the same girl she was in this exact moment. The girl in this photo is the one who thought she was defeated…. 


Today, I’m standing as strong as I’ve built myself to be and I am proud to say that when I look at this photo, I see art, art of destruction. But this art was also the kind that made me stand tall and say “I AM WORTHY, I AM WHOLE, YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT THE WARRIOR THAT WAS CREATED.”

For those of you who even think for ONE second that you can allow this kind of damage to break you, think again! This is what creates you! Don’t let life’s hits make you think anything less of yourself. 

The worst is surely over, but my story isn’t finished. Stay tuned 🙏🏼

• Empower yourself, be one with the universe. ✨

-Sash

Sunday, July 23rd, 2017. 

I used to hate you. I used to want you dead. You caused me so much pain, so much anger, so much hate. You made me become such an ugly person. You manipulated me. You made me think I was crazy. All of this when in reality it was you. YOU were the monster. You took me down with you, or at least you tried to, but I survived. It took seven months of dark months, but I made it through. 

Today, I want to thank you, not forgive you, but thank you for testing me. Today I am stronger, I am wiser, and most importantly, I’m better than I’ve ever been in 27 years. 

THANK YOU. 

Sash

July 18, 2017 

11:06PM

I remember six months ago I couldn’t bare to close my eyes at night… better yet, be alone. I would hear the screams getting louder, and louder, when the room was too quiet. I could visualize the disaster being made, arms everywhere, the evil look in his eyes. I could feel my chest tighten, my shortness of breathe, my heart racing how scared I was for my life.

Today, there’s something about quiet nights that soothe my soul. Quiet apartment, candles lit, and all I hear is my heartbeat. 

What was once my most feared moment of the day is now one of my favorites; a calm end to the day.
Sash.

tuesday thoughts. 

June 27, 2017 9:52PM 

i am solely sharing these thoughts with you as a reminder that not all understand what another may be going through. not all of us know what it’s like to feel as small as an ant. not all are understanding of their true, inner strength. 
this post is for the individuals who thinks it’s okay to let another human tear them down to the darkest moments of their lives. this goes to you, the human who thinks they are alone, i am with you. i am a victim of depression, a victim of negative thoughts, a victim of complete brokenness. i too am a victim of feeling like life wasn’t worth it, but today, i am one who is more understanding of life as a whole although everyday is different. some days I want to hide, some days i could laugh until my tummy hurts, and then i have days i want to cry and be held, but other days I’m so thankful for how far I’ve reached. 

life has yet to workout as I’ve ever pictured, but there’s something about year twenty-seven that this is finally my year to turn everything around. this is it.